Well, joining me now is psychologist and marriage counselor, Dr. I had no idea it could ever happen to us, and I have no idea what to do next.' I do try to reach out to the person having the affair and, to some extent, I try to reach out to the lover as well.
Willard Harley, who's also the co-author of "Surviving an Affair." Welcome to The 700 Club. But I've often made the point that when you're having an affair, you lose half of your IQ, you know. There are two things that children learn from an affair.
He offered much needed insight into marriage with his popular best seller His Needs, Her Needs. TERRY MEEUWSEN: Well, infidelity is one of life's most painful experiences. It's a question that I'm sure people ask all over this country every day because it's been such an issue in marriages. Because the question that we get so much is: 'I just discovered that my spouse was having an affair.
gives wise advice on how to recover from marital infidelity and how to prevent an affair before it starts. How does someone survive an affair when trust has been broken? HARLEY: The person that I'm essentially writing to in this book is the spouse who has been betrayed.
And so it's very difficult to reason with a person who is having an affair because they're on such an emotional high and you're dealing with a person that's addicted. One is that it's all right to lie, because they see their parent not only lying about the affair, but also encouraging them to lie for them.
It's very similar to dealing with somebody that has got a cocaine addiction or other forms of addiction. And so they develop an ethic that says under certain conditions, it's OK not to tell the truth.
I usually tell people, don't pay attention to whether it's a male need or a female need; think about your own needs and try to figure out what it is you need the most in your marriage. HARLEY: Usually I feel that if you meet your spouse's top two emotional needs, chances are, you will avoid an affair. MEEUWSEN: Of the 10 that you list, are there some that are consistently the top two or three of men and the top two or three of women? For women generally affection, conversation, honesty and openness are the top three for them.